It only took 35 years...

For as long as I can remember, January has always been a hard month. 

This January I found myself maintaining my regular prayer regimen but I felt my prayers hitting the floor like a dead tennis ball. I was being plagued by terrible dreams at night. I would wake myself up from them then lie awake in turmoil. The thoughts that plagued me were strange things that I had not thought about for years - like I was being attacked by bad memories - things that I thought were laid to rest. I would aimlessly mutter Hail Mary's and invoke the name of Jesus for these irrational thoughts to flee. No avail.

I was eager to take this issue to my spiritual director. 

I began with a recap of the holiday season.  I entered into the Christmas season with much dread of traveling to Houston. My family can be so nit-picky, starting fights with each other, lots of yelling and hurt feelings, lots of control grabbers... And then there was the news that my dad had surgery for bladder cancer. I really just wanted to spend time with him and leave all the grouchy people at their own party.  (it ended up being all in my head and was a lovely visit...until)

My mother was due to Houston for Christmas festivities and never showed up due to her self-generated marital problems. I realized the pattern. When I go out of town, she stirrs up trouble and needs me 35 times a day - leaving me messages and texts Call me right away. Can I sleep at your house since you are not there? I need help arranging a U-haul, I'm moving out. I was furious. I wanted nothing to do with her insanity. I was in Houston for obligatory reasons only to discover that I need to be with my dad. She would not spew her ridiculousness all over my world for the millionth time. I gave very little energy to her calls and texts - deleting them instantly. But she knew where I was staying in Houston and started calling there...

You may imagine as I was relaying this to my spiritual director that her head was spinning. She slowed me down and started asking questions. Together we processed through all the muck. As you may have guessed these feelings at Christmas were only residual left over and compounded from years and years of difficulty. 

My spiritual director challenged me.  

Venus, usually when you come to see me you are acting and speaking from a centered place. Today you have come to me in the muck. God is calling you into the muck to sort it out. He is calling you here because it is time to settle some things. You say that January has always been a hard month. For how long? My guess is that something happened to you in January a long time ago that needs some healing. You speak of the divorce, your mother making you leave your father. Maybe there is something there. You tell me about how she again was pulling at you when all you wanted to do was be with him over Christmas.

She struck something in me. The tears started to fall. I did not want to be in this place. How could bringing all of this up be the least bit helpful. Resentment. Anger. Hurt. Not a place I like to frequent. 

Venus, there is a little child in you that needs healing. You may need to go back to the divorce and work through some healing. You may have to go back farther. God is calling you into this so that you can feel his love. Because now you are a mother and you can mother this child in you that needs direction and love. God can work through you in that way. 

At this point I was in an all out sob. Images of my childhood that I had stored away came flooding back. My spiritual director invited me into silence. Allowing God to fill the part in me that needed Him at that moment. We sat in silence and prayed together.

A vision came. Words came. My spiritual director asked me to draw it out and write it out. 

  

O precious one, begotten by God. 

You were safe in the womb of unknowing.

I couldn't hold you before

or sooth your cries

But now,

God calls me to you-

to carry you forward,

show you the light you were missing.

Let's walk together in joy at finding one another,

I will be your home where there was not before

I will be your hearth where there wasn't fire before

I will be your rock where there was no foundation before.

This I can be for you.

I stayed longer that day to write and draw. It was an amazing space to be in. I knew the work wasn't done but I felt like I was on the road to getting this all sorted out.

* * *

The next few days, any chance I got I spent in silence with the Lord. The thing that I was most concerned about was what was the point at which this little child stopped growing along side me. Where was it that this little one was placed back into the womb of unknowing?

The first 5 years of my life were a doozy. My mom and dad had much to sort out. But what was it about January? Why is it such a hard month?

It came to me. The memory. 

We were leaving a gathering at a restaurant. I think I was 4. All of the Hvizdoses were there. Maybe it was New Years, maybe it was my Aunt Kelley's birthday. It was night. It was cold.  As we were walking through the parking lot to our vehicles two men grabbed me and my mom. The rest of my family watched. Did nothing. My mom and I were placed in a van and held down on the cold metal floor. My mom was crying. The men were saying don't worry, everything is going to be ok. I remember telling my mom, Mommy they said we are going to be ok. She responed through sobs,  don't say a word. Just be quiet.  My memory goes black after that. Was I drugged? I woke up. It was daylight. They were transferring us to another van in case we were being followed. What was going on?

Now some background information....

Leading up to this event... my parents were separated. My dad had gotten involved in drugs. In order to get away from his druggie friends we moved to a rent house. It was at the rent house that my mom met some neighbors who invited her to start attending house meetings for this new church group. This church group turned out the be The Way International. The brainwashing began. My mom started listening to tapes. The Way convinced her that she could save my dad, heal her difficulties with her family (she has always had rocky relationships) by moving out, and becoming a child of a new family.

The Way came and moved me and my mom to a new house with a new family. My mom was no longer my mom - she was my sister. The Waltons were now my mom and dad. They had children that were now my brothers and sisters. During the move, the members of The Way that moved us took anything of sentimental value of my mom's. I supposed the idea was that if she had no past it would be easy for her to assimilate to this new family.

This much I remembered. But I had questions. There were holes in my memories. Who could I ask that could answer my questions without getting too flustered or upset? I called my Aunt Kelley.

Kelley filled me in as best as she could. At times I forget that she is not that much older than me. She was 18 at the time. She was not privy to much of the decision making process that went into having us kidnapped. But what she did remember was that the night we were taken, the rest of the Hvizdoses followed in their vehicles the whole way. They had their bags packed and were ready to go. We drove straight through that night to Nebraska where the whole family needed to be present for my mother's deprogramming. The whole family was in Nebraska for a week. My mom, dad and I stayed on for a bit longer. 

What I realized is how hard this decision must have been. And the preparedness that was necessary to be on the road through the night. Do you ever get used to the idea of watching your adult-child and 4 year old grandchild shoved into a black van? They were terrified for my mother getting sucked in to this strange organization. They thought they may never see us again.  This was the only option.

After I got off the phone with my Aunt Kelley, I started to cry. It was different cry than before. I have always had a special relationship with my mom's brothers and sisters. I have always felt like my aunts and uncles were looking out for me in a special way. I always wondered how this happened. It all seemed to make sense to me now.  They know my mom better than many others, they lived through this abduction, they saw this child that was going to need some special care. 

Another vision came back to me. 

My first silent retreat ever (in college)  I had a vision that I never knew what it was about. There was a toddler. I could see this toddler from the back. She was wearing a blue satin cape with gold stars. She was wandering through darkened hallways carrying her teddy bear along for the adventure. She was humming a happy song. There was a glow about her that illuminated her path. 

Now I could pull back from the scene a bit and see that the glow from above was from a dove. 

I was that child being led by the light of the Holy Spirit through the sometimes darkened hallways of life... 

* * *

I remember stories about the turmoil surrounding my birth. My grandma was stony cold when my mom got pregnant. She apparently hated my dad that much. I can imagine the mixed feelings that my mom had through her pregnancy with me. 

But through my life I have never, ever felt that shame, anger, hate. 

It is with abounding love that I have been permitted to grow up to the woman that I am. 

Frequently, when getting to know people who have become my best friends, they wonder, how did you turn out so normal?

My answer is always, by the Grace of God.

But after this January, I have realized and experienced the abundance it is that God has loved me into the person that I am. He has loved me through the wonderful, beautiful people that he has given me as Parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Friends. 

* * *

During the February meeting with my spiritual director I was eager to tell her all about the discoveries I had made. 

It was brought to my attention that this life has been one of preparation. Little did I know that God has been preparing me this whole time to be one who cares for expectant mothers in need. To be the love that has surrounded me these 35 years.  Without this life I would not be this woman, ready to serve God's children with His Abounding Love.